THE F1-SD GUIDE TO ATTENDING MONACO YACHT PARTIES UNINVITED

One week from now we’ll be watching F1 cars defy physics around Monaco’s swimming pool chicane, and preparing our liver for the Kingfisher party aboard the spectacular Indian Empress. With the latter in mind, here are a few tried-and-tested F1-SD tips for gaining entry to yacht parties uninvited:

1) WEAR A CRESTED SIGNET RING

While a pinkie ring with your initials will cause the opposite effect (no chavs allowed), a 24-carat ancestral ring, displaying your family crest, will signify your old money status – and there’s not a lot of that left in Monaco.

2) DON A PERSONALIZED SHIRT

Anyone wearing a ‘Talentless but Connected’ or ‘Xxxx Me I’m Famous’ T-shirt is welcome aboard all party vessels, seemingly.

3) NAME DROP

A proven favourite for uninvited access. Find out the name of the host, and say you went to U.S.C together (as in the University of Spoilt Children).

4) POSE AS A PEST EXTERMINATOR

Turn up with the suitable regalia, and a) The captain’s fear of rats may guarantee you access and b) No one will block your entry in case you gas them with poison.

5) WEAR SMART SOCKS

Once you’ve removed your suede Tod’s on the quayside, your hole-ridden Christmas present from granny will be exposed. Disastrous! A sharp pair of Paul Smiths are sure to get you onto Vijay’s boat.

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F1-SD says: You might have smart shoes, but you’ll need to remove them to go on any yachts. Consider your socks wisely. Over and out.

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